MINDSet: The Art Of Saying NO!

by | Jun 8, 2021

As part of the MINDSet pillar of MINT, Teresa Peters gave members a session on the art of saying NO!

My name’s Teresa Peters. My business is Accelerator Coaching and for those of you don’t know me, I was a member of Mint for quite a while, and they were a brilliant, supportive business group for me. And at the time I had a publishing company and then I wanted to really go for it with my coaching company. And I swear if it wasn’t for Mint, I wouldn’t be doing my coaching as I am full-time today.

Watch the session below:

Transcript of Video

(00:04):
If I could sort of go through the art of saying no and cover everything off in an hour then you know, I’d be a magician, but, and hopefully you’re going to get a lot from this today and I can see a couple more people entering. And what I’ll do just before we begin, I’ll just put in the chat a little password that will give you access. I’ve just put a little link and password to the workbook that I did. I’m just wondering if you able to use your reactions, have you all received the workbook today? Was one sent out to you before today? If you could just put a little hands up or a thumbs up. So one, two, three, four, five. So all, lovely. That’s great.
(00:54):
Well, if you haven’t had access to it, no worries at all it’s in the chat there. I’ve just put a link in there and links through to my website, which Peter put together. So Peter created my website, and that’s as a result, Peter Surridge here, and that’s as a result of being a Mint member.
(01:15):
So what I’m going to do, actually. Yeah, so my name’s Teresa Peters. My business is Accelerator Coaching and for those of you don’t know me, I was a member of Mint for quite a while, and they were a brilliant, supportive business group for me. And at the time I had a publishing company and then I wanted to really go for it with my coaching company. And I swear if it wasn’t for Mint, I wouldn’t be doing my coaching as I am full-time today.
(01:46):
I started it in lock down and I’m an executive coach, I’m certified in that, and I’m certified, I’m certified as a life coach. So I’m certified in both. So I try to bring the two together using a bit of science as well. And I know people in the room, especially Rebecca Dinsdale, you’ll appreciate what we do for a living. And it’s all about people. Just nothing gives me greater joy than seeing someone sort of have an internal shift or just progress and be happy. And that’s what I’m hoping you get out of today.
(02:19):
So, and yeah, I’ve got the yellow room behind because my brain’s all yellow and again, that’s Mint’s influence. So yeah, also just so you know, in the chat and it won’t be me just talking like this all the way through, I’m hoping that it’s, it’s going to be experiential, although we’ve got to bear in mind, it’s being recorded as well. So in the chat, in that link, I’ve also given you a free psychological questionnaire that will be a bit of fun, not to do now, but I invite you to sort of complete the workbook. The workbook’s much more detailed than what we’re covering off today and it gives you time for reflection.
(02:58):
And when you write things down you’re 25% more likely to do it and act on it. And there’s also a transactional analysis, psychological questionnaire there for you, and it really helps to understand why and who we are. So I hope you enjoy that. And please, you know, I invite you to have a look and use that.
(03:16):
When you add stuff, and also, you know, if you’ve got anything to add, please put it in the chat. If it’s a
question, start with the letter Q or the word ‘question’, and then put your question in there and then please let it flow. If you’ve got anything you want to contribute, put it in. I won’t be able to look at it all the way through, but I’m banking on Peter to maybe pick out some golden nuggets and we can work together and experience that.
(03:41):
So let me share the screen and if you’ve got a pen and paper, that’s a really good start. So I’ll just share this and, oh, it’s done that again. Peter, hang on a minute. All right. I’m just gonna have to do something on the screen. Yeah. It did that earlier, didn’t it? Can you see that when I bring it up?
(04:09):
It’s just saying start the screen show. It might be worthwhile just closing it again and just reopening it.
(04:14):
Yeah. Okay. Sorry about that guys. I’ll just what it means is I’m going to, yeah, this is what happened before. Can you see that?
(04:26):
Right, I’ll have to put it into presenter mode, I’m sorry about that. I had it open ready in presenter mode and it clearly doesn’t work when you have it set up on Canva that way.
(04:39):
So yeah, the title, The Art of Saying NO. My business is Accelerator Coaching. So I can’t see all of your faces right now. So just please add in chat if you’ve got anything to add here, but I invite you to use a pen and paper. Everyone in this room gets to be equal and gets to be right. And that’s what my coaching style is all about. Although today is a bit more of a training rather than coaching. And, what’s said in the room stays in the room, although it is being recorded.
(05:07):
So like Peter said, if anyone shares anything that they feel that they don’t want it to be shared, or, you know, to the public, please let us know and we’ll take that out. And the chat we’ll download that, send it out. And that’s just for us in the room, in our conversation today. And, and you can see this, that light bulb icon there, with a group of people, there’s nothing more powerful than collective wisdom. And so, although I am talking more than I usually do, because it’s recorded and it’s training, I do invite you to sort of contribute. It’s an experience and it’s about embedding our learnings.
(05:43):
So I daren’t stop sharing right now because of what happened just there. So what I’ll just explain is there’s two words that shape our life story and they’re yes and no. And the power of those two words, I mean, it’s, it can just change your life completely.
(06:02):
So understanding why we say yes in the first place when we should be saying no is the first step in learning how not to do it. And so we do this by looking at our beliefs and values, and we’ve got to manage our internal boundaries and, and check in on ourselves and follow our gut instincts. So I’m just going to try something that you might have not done before and just more of, kind of fun and experience, but can you all see the blob tree here?
(06:35):
I’m just going to invite you to look at that picture and it’s very personal to you and it’s, we can change by the day. You know, we might have just had a terrible morning or we might feel on top of the world after the bank holiday weekend, but I’m going to invite you to annotate on here and we’ll guide you with that. And if you struggle with it just shout out and I’ll add it on.
(06:56):
What I mean is in terms of annotate, there’s a button where you can put a stamp onto the, the blob that you, where you are right now, where you feel you are right now. So before I explain how to do that, if you just look at the tree and just look at which one resonates with you right now, which person or blob on the tree and, and and, and just in life or in business, whatever you choose, which one really jumps out. And unfortunately can’t go around the room. Cause there isn’t time. If it was a half day workshop, we’d discuss it a bit more. But and, and if you use the annotate button at the top then and Peter might be able to guide you if you’re struggling, just shout out.
(07:42):
And there’s a, you press annotate and there’s a, maybe a few options on your screen and at the top of your screen is annotate, and then you press a stamp. Yeah, that’s great. So Catherine’s just done a little circle. That’s brilliant. It can do circles, text, stamps, and just invite you. That’s well done guys. That’s great. And if anyone doesn’t know where they can find annotate or they want to just shout out and ask me to put a stamp on for them as well. And it’s more just to see, you can see a couple of them are climbing up the tree, hugging the tree. One at the end here, and you can see it stays anonymous once you’ve put your mark on there and we’ll save this and download it. It’s just to see where everyone is. Just, if there’s a common theme, you can see it. Actually three of us in the room today are already here, hugging the tree halfway up. So we’ve got four or five on that. I’d say I’ll put mine on as well, make it fair. I’m gonna annotate my stamp, little heart.
(08:52):
So we’ve got a few on there. Would anyone else like add any on or shall I just save this and download it? You’ll have to shout out because I can’t see everybody.
(09:06):
I think Sarah, Sarah, did you get yours?
(09:10):
I can’t get it to work. All I’m getting is when I’m doing view is standard, speaker, gallery and exit. Full view, hang on, found it.
(09:20):
Oh, brilliant. I just thought, I know it’s a bit of a palaver. That’s great. It’s a bit of a palaver but I thought it’s just a good tool to learn to use anywhere when we’re on zoom. And so I just, it was just something I thought worth doing. But you can see there’s a common theme here within our room today, can’t you?
That we’re kind of on our own trying to climb up, hug onto something, but we’re trying to get there. So why I’m doing this is sort of, we’ll look at it at the end and look at ways of what we need to say yes to, what we need to send no to, in order to shape our lives and move forward to where we want to be on that blob tree.
(09:59):
So I’m going to save that and you’ll have a copy of the presentation. So I’ll just save that now that’s saved. I’ll stop sharing now. Only thing is all right. I’ll stop sharing. And I’m hoping when I share it again, I’m going to end up having to open it up again. I didn’t realise that did it on Canva. You learn, you’ve got to learn along the way haven’t you?
(10:23):
So yeah. In terms of beliefs and values it’s, it’s really important to sort of learn more about our own beliefs. So there’s a couple of questions you can ask yourself that really help with identifying what those beliefs are. So you’ve got your workbook, which if you’ve printed off, you can add notes on there or just add them separately. But you know, there is this question, What would you not be prepared to do? Even if it would make you really successful at work? What would you not be prepared to do, even if it made you really successful at work or in life?
(11:03):
Just have a little think. I’m going to be throwing in lots of little questions like that. And it’s you know, so for instance, I wouldn’t be prepared to go away for six months and leave my family, you know, and, and that’s just, that helps my beliefs are. And that really, so it’s just asking yourself that question.
(11:22):
And then another really good question is in terms of beliefs, you know, will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow if you say yes or no to something today, and how will you see yourself in the mirror after you’ve considered that? And you know, it’s, it, it compromises our boundaries when we say no or yes to something.
(11:45):
I’m not going to be talking like this all the time. It’s just sort of just a few facts thrown in, because this is such a huge topic, but you know, boundaries define our emotional and mental space between us and something or someone, and these can be physical, tangible, emotional, and intangible.
(12:05):
So if you’ve ever said to someone, No, draw the line here, you’ve set a boundary. It’s as simple as that. And you can think of times when you have gone point blank no, it just doesn’t feel right. And today I’ll share some tools with you as well, that can help with making a decision if you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, but just be sure to know that boundaries are there to help us. That they’re there to protect us. So they bring us clarity to what’s our responsibility and what is somebody else’s and they preserve our physical and emotional energies. So if you say yes to something and it doesn’t feel right, it’s going to involve an imbalance with our energy and how we feel.
(12:52):
Another great question is to elicit values is to consider what’s important to you about a certain situation.
So if you think about something that you’ve said no to in the past, what was important to you in that? And ask that question three or four times, what was important about that? What? And every time you’re out, what’s important to me about this? What else is important? What else is important that helps you?
(13:21):
If you do that each day, just with just one example, you’ll sort of start to see a pattern of what your values are. And so I’m going to try and share the screen again. Wish me luck and keep adding things in the chat. Oh, and I see a question here and I’m going to be covering gut feeling. I’m just hoping, this is going to open OK, and, oh, it’s going to do it again. I usually use PowerPoint.
(13:56):
It’ll just be a quirk.
(13:56):
Yeah, I usually use PowerPoint. So it’s interesting that this has happened and I’m going to struggle with sharing the slides and I shouldn’t have done it on Canva. Well, live and learn.
(14:13):
I’m glad I know this now for the next time I’m doing it with the council. Right. So I’ll put it in presenter mode again. Right. Okay. So I’ll stop share. Okay. Okay. That’s it.
(14:35):
So we’ve got the blob tree. So just a couple of slides here then we’ll go into a little break out room as well, so you have a chance to talk as well. And so understanding why we say yes, when we should be saying no, it’s the first step in learning how not to do it. So understanding our values, understanding our beliefs, a big part of why we, you know, should be saying no in the first place and understanding them.
So feel free to add in the chat if you’d like to add to this, but you know, why do you say yes to things? Write it down or put it in the chat and we’ll try and come back to it at the end.
(15:19):
What do you see as the things, these are some examples; people pleasing, not pausing to reflect you can’t say no to your boss. And many of us are self employed. So that might not be true for all of us here, but maybe in the past, at work, you’ve had that happen, even in employment, peer pressure, and you don’t know what you want. That’s kind of a key thing. And that’s what we’re going to do today. It’s it’s time to step back and actually work out what our boundaries are in the first place. Because if we haven’t actually sat and worked at what they are, then how do you know when to say yes or no? So if anyone has anybody added more in the chat there, Peter, just to add, obviously I’m conscious of time, but I’m just,
(16:01):
We’ve got a couple of people saying don’t want to let people down, to help people. I’ll say yes, assuming I’ll work it out later. Over estimating capacity for work, liking to help.
(16:14):
Yeah. We’re all nice people in this room clearly. And it’s also worth in the workbook, I’ve got a question in there, you know, how do you view others that do say no and not actually think, God, they’re awful people? Or do you think actually I wish I could be like that? So that’s something we’ll touch on. But what will they think of me if I said no? Yeah. So there’s that worry, you know, people might worry, people think you’re lazy, selfish, uncooperative, not a team player. You know, what else goes on in your mind if you said no, what is it? And that transactional analysis questionnaire that’s on the website we’ve sent the link to, that helps identify as well what goes on when you’re having a transaction with another human being, it actually identifies what your style is. So that’s really useful.
(17:06):
And again, it’s understanding ourselves is the first step to being more assertive and confident in saying no, when we need to, but there are times when no is good. So you know, like if you, your kid wants that 10th pack of sweets and you, you know, that’s, you know, you’re not being nasty by saying no and you know, and when a yes spreads us too thinly. So and when a yes feels wrong. So actually I know Peter, did you put something in there about gut feeling?
(17:42):
Yeah. I just asked the question. It’s probably different for different situations, but are you best to follow your gut, which often is right? Or do you follow your head, which is telling you that actually you should do it, but your gut is saying, you really haven’t got the capacity for this or something like that.
(17:59):
I’ve actually got a little exercise in here and it’s called head, heart and gut, and it’s a really powerful little thing to you. So we’ll share that and thanks for that. Yeah. We definitely use all three. And I think the other thing is, again, it’s stepping back reflecting and being aware of it rather than just jumping into it.
So again, it’s like, am I using, what does my head say? What does my heart say? What does my gut say? And ask all three questions, but yeah, I’ve got a slide on that. So thanks for that. It’s really valid.
(18:32):
So when you say yes to others, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself. And you know, by saying yes to something, what you say no to, and by saying no to something, what are you saying yes to? So I’m just looking at the time. How many are in the room? Cause I’m wondering if it’s something we could get away with doing as a group, all on screen or
(18:56):
14 people. It’s probably too big of a room.
(19:00):
Yeah. There’s some questions here, everyone. And I thought it would be good to kind of go in a breakout room for 10. Wow. Probably eight minutes. And these are the questions to ask. So it might help to take a picture with your phone. So you remember what the questions are, cause I’m not sure I can copy and paste that. So take a little picture or write it down and we’re just going to discuss them in the breakout rooms.
(19:28):
So when was the last time you said yes to something when you really wanted to say no? What did you feel, think, say? And again, I’m looking at, you know, these questions of think, feel, see, how, why. Everyone is different. Some of us are feelers. Some of us are thinkers. We use cognitive. Some of us are visual. 65% of us are visual actually according to various books out there.
(19:54):
So yeah, have a little think on that. And by saying yes, what did we say no to? And really this is about, you know, how often do we actually step back and think this way and get your pen and paper and really write it down and discuss it. And what beliefs do you hold about? People who say no, and the workbook I’ve got also really kind of develops that, you go into it more because there’s a good few pages on it.
(20:25):
So Peter, in terms of setting the breakout rooms, I’m just thinking in sort of groups of threes and fours, something like that. I don’t know.
(20:33):
I’ve set up three breakout rooms for four people in each.
(20:35):
Oh, look at that. Mind reader! So are you okay to set that up and is everyone okay with that? I’m just trying to see if I can stop sharing this. Have you all got the questions there and everyone okay to go in breakout rooms now?
(20:51):
You’ll get an invite and then you’ll just be able to go into your, your rooms when you leave. Please come back to the room, don’t leave the meeting. Otherwise you’ll disappear. Okay. Okay enjoy!
(21:04):
And I might dip in and out, but I’ll not talk until everyone’s gone. Everyone’s gone.
(21:18):
So what we say, we’ve just had a recording in progress, we just got a little notification. So what we say yes and no to is verbal, but we’ve got two ears and one mouth and you know, communication, there’s all sorts of figures out there. Some say 7% is actually what we say. The rest is this. Lots of schools of thought, but, and then the rest is kind of body language, tone, pace. Yeah. Reactions. So really important.
(21:50):
And is everyone back in the room? And now I’ve learned on Canva to, I’ll just share the screen again to do that, so it’s not in presenter mode and then it might be, it might be a bit easier. Can everyone see that? Okay. Okay.
(22:07):
I might just leave it at like that rather than presenter mode, but if anyone struggles seeing the page, let me know. So yeah, we just mentioned that boundaries and active listening. So we’ve discussed boundaries. We’ve already touched, we scratched the surface with boundaries. It’s a huge topic. It’s a, you know, we can go on for another few days going onto that, but active listening. It’s like third degree listening. So you know, many of us, Stephen Covey says, we’ve got to listen to understand and not listen to kind of answer which many of us do. We like, listen. And then suddenly just jump in, instead of waiting to respond. You know, if we listen to understand and seek first to understand before anybody else can understand you, it’s really important to have that in mind.
(22:57):
So just there, Katie you’ve mentioned stand up for what you believe in and find that place to understand. Seek first to understand, and then, you know, then you’ll be understood.
(23:07):
And how can you bring a sense of calm to the mind? Do you know? There’s a really, I mean, gosh, Rebecca will have a few here and a few others, but you know, that kind of sense of calm. What one really useful little exercise if I’ve been faced with a situation where I’m not sure whether to say yes or no, or I’m just in conflict or something I’m uncomfortable, a four square breathing exercise is really good.
(23:32):
If you picture a square and it just, it doesn’t take very long. And if you just need to pause and reflect before you answer somebody or you feel like you’re going to get upset, just breathe in for four seconds through your nose, picture a square, and then hold for four seconds and then go down on the square, breathe out four seconds and then pause for four seconds. And then you’ve got your square. Just do that a couple of times. Just to, really just makes you stop, thinking nothing but the breathing. And then sometimes you can get a clearer picture of what you, what you want to say.
(24:09):
So also bear in mind how it feels to be listened to, you know, and how when’s the last time you felt truly heard and listened to because kind of half the battle is kind of, you know, all you’ve got to do quite often if someone’s asking you to do something, if you really listen and ask them a couple more questions, quite often, they can probably do it themselves. And and, and you can empower them to do it instead of you doing it. You’ve just got to understand a little bit more, so I know I can see nodding heads and it sounds obvious, but it’s just, just a little reminder, isn’t it?
(24:47):
So now I’ve got a little exercise to give you and it just takes a couple of minutes. Well, about three minutes it’ll take, so you’ll need your thinking caps on here. I’ll stop sharing the screen. Okay. I’m going to read something out to you and it’s to look at checking your listening skills really. Checking on yourself. And so you need a little pen and paper, or if you’re really good at retaining things in your mind, that’s great. And I’m going to read something out and then ask a question at the end and that’s it. And it’s, and again, the reason for doing this is we have two ears and one mouth. So we are talking about the art of saying no, and how we say yes and no shapes the story of our lives, but actually listening is probably the most fundamental thing here. So here goes, ears ready? Okay. I can see a couple of people talking, so I’m not sure if they are, but I’m going to read it now and then ask a question.
(25:49):
So you’re a bus driver with a 40 seater bus and five stops. This is the route and the passenger details. Stop one, three people get on the bus. One person has a red hat. One person is elderly.
(26:07):
Stop two, four people get on the bus. One gets off the bus.
(26:13):
Stop three, two people get on the bus.
(26:19):
One person is carrying a bag.
(26:22):
The person with the red hat gets off.
(26:25):
Stop four, two people get on the bus. One gets on with a pram.
(26:30):
Stop five, three elderly people get on the bus, the person carrying the bag gets off the bus.
(26:37):
Now, how old is the bus driver?
(26:43):
Oh,
(26:46):
50.
(26:50):
Anybody else?
(26:57):
You didn’t say the bus driver’s age.
(26:57):
I’m the bus driver. I’m 32.
(27:00):
Yeah. Yeah.
(27:04):
The first sentence, the first thing I said was you’re a bus driver with a 40 seater bus and five stops. Do you know actually well done to those who’ve got it, because quite often, hardly nobody in the room gets it. And this is the power of listening. Yeah. That really says it all. Like, just by missing that crucial fact, you could say yes to something when you could say no, quite easily just through listening. So just a really worthwhile little exercise that I thought was worth sharing with you.
(27:43):
So now I’m going to share the screen again and I’ll put it into presenter mode, I think. Cause it’s just a little bit wow. Okay. Now I’ll just leave it like that.
(27:59):
So this is a really useful way of helping if you’re in a situation with saying yes or no, or you’re not sure.
It’s not obvious. Imagine having a compass in your hand. So sometimes it detaches the emotion from it. So you physically just like put your hand in front of you and imagine there’s a compass in it and think of a situation when you last kind of, think of the last time, you’ve been in the breakout rooms, you’ve discussed times when you said yes when you wish you’d said no. Think of that situation now, and look at the compass in your hand, and sort of gauge where the needle is pointing. So, and just if ever you’re faced with a situation, like I said, it’s about reflect and pause, this is a really useful tool as well. So just having a compass in your hand, where is the needle? And and, and yeah. Has anyone got any questions about that or how they feel it, how useful they think that could be in a situation. Would anyone like to contribute their thoughts?
(29:13):
Has anyone seen it before? So it’s just yeah, just worth and add anything in the chat and we’ll come around towards the end of this we’ll have a chance to look through the chat and just discuss, but it’s just another little tool, like the four square breathing, picturing the compass in your hand.
(29:33):
And then the next question goes onto what Peter was asking about earlier, head, heart and gut. So just invite you to remember this and the, a really good exercise here, if you have time to get your pen and paper when you’re making a decision, is to actually draw a stick man or a, or a person, if you’re brilliant at drawing and draw like a cloud for the head. So that’s your cognitive thinking and what you’re thinking of. A heart, you can actually physically draw a heart in the chest and then some kind of circle for the gut and write in there what it says.
(30:13):
And if, if I’ll share an example, I was asked to write a magazine article for somebody last week and I was so busy and I literally, my head was saying, Nope, definitely not. Can’t do that. My heart was saying, oh, you know what? I should do it because you never know what might happen. And then my gut was then, oh, I can’t cope. I don’t know what to do here, but my head kind of, well my gut said, let’s ask some more questions and you’re gut is your second, you know, your tummy is your second brain and it’s using your amygdala. It’s the emotion. And, and that’s what helps us survive, you know?
(30:53):
So I actually thought, you know what? I listened and it was an email, but I listened and looked at it again and again, I assumed they wanted it there and then, cause it was a magazine deadline and I just replied, when is the deadline? Open question, not a closed question, like I’m struggling to do it or give anything away. Just one open question, when is the deadline? And, and do you know what a day later, anytime you want. So now I can say yes. But it was just doing that little head, heart, gut kind of exercise.
(31:27):
So again, kind of just, yeah, bear in mind the situation and really consider the three because they’re three different types of feelings and, and ask yourself questions in each of those areas. And actually if you really still yourself and sort of in a situation when you, you want to say no, just, yeah, it’s a really good way you can actually sense where the answers are coming from. So it’s worth doing that.
(31:59):
I think on that one Teresa is if, if I, if I react quickly, I’m going with my gut. If I think about it too long with my head, I tend to say, no. If I think about it logically. But if it’s, if it gets me inside for some reason, that just, heart, that wins. So I think heart wins, guts fast, head is when I think about it.
(32:18):
Yeah. Yeah. Lovely. And do you know, actually heart it’s, it’s not always the case. It depends on different personality styles and communication styles as well as some are very much based on task and and others are based on people. So we all have all those and then our values and beliefs all come into it as well. So that’s it. Yeah. Great point, Peter.
(32:40):
So just in terms of, we’ve got 10 minutes left, so these are just a few things I’m just wondering about, and I’ll just put this into presenter mode just for the final couple of slides and then I’ll stop sharing. And then we can just wrap this up.
(32:57):
So yeah, saying no gracefully. So be considered, be direct, be truthful, be clear, be firm, be unwavering. Easier said than done, I know, but you know, really, you know, some tips here, seven easier ways to say no, actually I’ve only got six on there. I’m sure I’ve missed one out. Anyway, we’ll find one, someone can add in the chat and we’ll have a look at that.
(33:27):
So yeah, smile you know, and it kind of can win people over with a bit of a smile and positivity’s actually proven to encourage people to be more adventurous, there’s scientific proof of that. So if you’re positive, you’ll be more adventurous. And that then means you might have the courage to say no.
(33:49):
Still your body language. What that means is don’t give too much away. So somebody is on Zoom actually these days, or face-to-face and they come to you and ask for something to be done, if you kind of just keep very still and not too open and just listen, just listen, avoid asking questions. Now I know I did mention about asking questions, but when in the heat of the moment, just kind of stay quiet and really listen to what they have to say.
(34:19):
But then on the other hand, you can interrupt them, if you know what path they’re going down, but politely interrupt them before they waste their time giving you a whole load of instructions when you know fine well, you’re not going to listen properly anyway, so you can interrupt politely and say, look, could you, what is it exactly you need doing here and preempting them’s another really good sort of method.
(34:45):
So you could kind of say, look, I know you’re about to ask me about this, but it means that I can’t get X Y Z done for tomorrow if I do this. So what are the options here? So you can actually kind of preempt and get in there first or, you know, or preempt a meeting, sort of a good tip is I over the next two to three weeks, I’ve got X, X, X, X, and I’ve got to do them and kind of get that in before they even have a chance to ask you anymore.
(35:18):
So then they will hold back or decide you can work it out from there. So that’s just little ideas about how to say no, if you’ve got a seventh one add it in the chat, I think I probably moved that onto, yes, I think that’s what I did. I put it onto the separate slide.
(35:35):
So choose discomfort over resentment. If you’ve heard of Brittany Brown, she’s an absolute superstar with some great quotes and, you know, resentment festers. It’s a longterm thing. Discomfort, five or ten minutes. So really have a little think there and bear that in mind with your head, heart, gut and your compass. You’ll be flying here.
(35:59):
The other thing, I noticed somebody said earlier about having too many things to do, give fewer things more attention, not much more to say there, give fewer things more attention. Impact. If you look at your list of things to do, what’s the impact going to be on your business and on your life, look at the list and then pick them. And here’s some questions here. How much freer will your life be when you only say yes, when you really mean it? How much freer? And as entrepreneurs I think many of us value freedom, don’t we? That’s why we run our own businesses. That’s what I think anyway. That’s what I’ve come across time and time again. So yeah. How much for freer?
(36:48):
Is there someone who will hold you accountable and what are you committed to working on going forward? So based on what we’ve looked at today and here, because given that 65% of us are visual, there’s some little pictures I’ve put on there because I wouldn’t be a true coach if you didn’t go away with some goals and accountability. So this is another way of looking at maybe setting a goal for yourself in terms of what you need to say no to, and using it. And it could be for your business or your life. And I just invite you to write down which picture resonates with you and set yourself some accountability or a target or a goal with a deadline of how you’ll do that.
(37:46):
So I could be, and you know, I want to spend less time on the laptop. I’m going to say no to five hours on the laptop every day and say yes to three hours on the laptop. It could be, I’m going to say yes to spending more time with my family and making time there. I’m just giving examples. It could be stop working alone all the time and, and, and kind of try and work with other people more. Now that we’re coming out of this lockdown, you know, go meet people face to face.
(38:22):
So I’ll just invite you to get your pen and paper. We’ve got five minutes left and I’ll close the screen in a moment, but has anyone got any questions just before you, while you’re writing things down? So it’s just what you’re going to say yes to, what you’re going to say no to, in order to achieve a goal with a
deadline, using the pictures on the screen. Just whatever comes to mind. And I’ll just give you a minute. I’ll go quiet for a minute and just have a think.
(39:23):
And if you’d like to share it in the chat and hold yourself accountable. Or we could, I don’t know, Peter, if we can set like a, on the Facebook page, sort of a summary, and then everyone kind of put goals in there on the comments and if you want it to be public, but if you want it to be private, that’s fine as well. And we could share this picture or something and ask everyone what goal they’d like to set.
(39:47):
We can do. We can start that obviously this recording will be available on our website in a couple of days as well. People who want to contribute to that. Yeah.
(40:01):
I quite like the umbrellas as well, because they can all have different categories, you know, want to be more positive and red admin, or you know, have different colours as you walk under the umbrella. There’s all sorts of meanings. People see things differently. Everyone sees things differently. So I’m going to unshare that. I’m sorry to move on, but we’ve only got sort of four minutes. So so here’s the blob tree and it’s kind of just reminding yourself of where you were at the start of this conversation we’re having today and consider where you’d like to be. And again, that might help with reaffirming what your goal is. And so you can visually see where it is you want to be. Just consider that. What do you need to say no to, in order to get to where you want to be on the blob tree right now?
(41:09):
And yeah, what’s worked well for you today, but I’ll close this screen down. What are you going to take away from today? What one thing will you take away with you today? And I’ll whiz around the room and let’s just see what, what one thing is kind of going to stick with you and what’s your first next step? Oh, there’s a couple of extra slides and that, but yeah, that’s pretty much it, everyone. It’s just so just yeah, thank you. Just got a couple of minutes. So if we went around the room, is that all right? And if you need to go at 11, that’s fine. Just whizz around the room and just wondering one thing here, you’re going to take away with you today. Just keep it quite succinct if you don’t mind, just because we’ve already got a couple of minutes left.
(41:55):
So if I go around the room and if you feel uncomfortable speaking, just shake your head. But if I go in order of the room, Rebecca, you come first on my screen. So what would you like to have? What you believe you’ve taken away with you today?
(42:09):
I would hope that Peter doesn’t say no.
(42:19):
Phil, you’re next on there. Is there anything particular that stood out for you today?
(42:28):
Working with people instead of working on my own all the time. I want to have more collaborations.
(42:32):
Great. Thank you for sharing that. And if anyone doesn’t want this recorded, we can. Yeah. Katie, you’re next.
(42:41):
Yeah, just the power of saying no. And that you really honour yourself by saying no, quite often as well.
(42:48):
Yeah. Honour yourself by saying no, lovely. Naomi, you’re next on my screen.
(42:55):
I’d say that my takeaway from the day is to never feel kind of repressed when someone says no to something, to kind of just take it on the chin and maybe understand that there is something or reasons behind why that said no to you. It’s not just something against you. It is because that is just their business.
(43:14):
That’s lovely. So to be detached from that, lovely. And, and any, any of the tools today that will be useful? Do you think that the, the compass or any of the other things that are,
(43:27):
The compass I think, because I feel like I need to find myself direction, so for me, the compass is something that I need to think about. I need to think about where I want to be. I mean to think about how I’m going to get there and basically just getting myself into the right direction to make myself better. Yeah.
(43:45):
Oh, fantastic. I actually put the words into your mouth, there. The compass, did you like the compass?
(43:53):
Well, the compass and the laptop but as soon as you said direction, direction is most important.
(43:58):
Thank you. And Sarah, you’re next on there.
(44:02):
So I think one of the biggest takeaways is the fact that it’s okay to say, no, you’re not letting anybody down. You’re, you know, you’re actually probably doing yourself a favour if you say no. And I think one of the things that I want to try and work on is to, if somebody asked me to do something, it’s like what you were saying. Clarify what their expectations are before you give an answer. So that actually when you’re giving a yes or a no, you, you, you’re more informed as to what the, the entire picture is.
(44:38):
Lovely. Yeah, definitely the two ears, one mouth, thank you, Sarah. And Samantha I’ve seen you’ve put there, say no to something means saying yes to something else. So it’s that, or, you know, for you to, or do you want it to feel like you forget that. When you say yes to everything, something’s got to give, and we were saying in another group, it’s usually like your, your spare time or, you know, taking the dog for a kind of shorter walk or like, you know, not getting to bed as early. So when you say yes to everything, like something else has got to give. So if I said, no, you’re actually trying to keep those boundaries in place, which I think everybody’s got, but a lot of us need to kind of practice.
(45:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s such a, that’s a really useful thing, isn’t it? And just understanding what’s important to you. Cause that’s the key at the end of the day, if you’re happy, then everyone else will be.
So, yeah. And does anyone need to go and want to speak up quickly or I’ve got, I can go keep continuing.
(45:43):
I need to go. So the main thing I take away is to pause before making a decision. So either think about it. The square or literally say, okay, hear what you’re saying. I need to take that away and then come back to here, you know? So having that gap instead of instantly making the decision and then later going, was really a good yes?
(46:09):
Yeah. And Ian, the thing is as well that the person concerned will value your answer more because you’ve considered it and taken time. Yeah. So that’s really worth bearing in mind. They’ll take it more seriously. And yeah. So yeah. Thank you.
(46:27):
Thank you for today. And I am going now.
(46:31):
Yeah, and I’m just conscious, there’s a couple of people left, so I just just wanted to make sure everyone’s had a chance to speak, but we are over time. So does anybody else Vicky, Catherine?
(46:46):
Yeah, I don’t mind saying I don’t often say yes when I really mean no. So if I knew that wasn’t so much of an issue, I think I’ve learned to say no or check in with my gut feelings. It was interesting what Peter was saying that even if I think through it’s generally my gut that wins over, something’s just not quite right with me, but I think for me, it is about prioritising maybe a little bit more. So I, I start work really early in the morning and I just kept going throughout the day and I tend to flag like mid afternoon and just say, you know what, it’s all right. To have a lunch break and to stop doing stuff and just kind of like recharge. And so it’s not so much that there’s a, there’s a pressure on me to keep, to keep going from external people. It’s more about internally that it’s all right to just stop and chill. So I suppose it’s saying yes to that, rather than, than saying yes or no to something else, if that makes sense.
(47:54):
Yeah, definitely. I’m really pleased you brought that up, Catherine, because it is it’s, it’s the internal thing. Cause I’m kind of okay with saying yes or no, I’m quite comfortable with that, but actually when it comes to me in my office all day, get to two o’clock and I’m flagging, I’m actually not very productive. So yeah, and it’s, again, it’s our own understanding why we’re saying yes to those things. So it doesn’t have to be extrinsic or external. It can be intrinsic. And it’s how your feeling in yourself and that’s really good valid point.
(48:29):
Thank you for sharing that. I don’t know if there’s anyone left Vicky? But yeah. Thank you so much, everyone. I’m conscious that Peter’s stepped in and it’s school holidays and it’s five past 11, so we can probably stop recording now. Could we, and then,
(48:48):
And thank you to you Theresa for hosting this session really great session
(48:55):
There’s a lot to fit in an hour. You can, you can see, you could go on for a day doing this. It’s like there’s so much content. Enjoy the workbook. And let me know, you know, do keep in touch at Accelerator Coaching. You’ll just find me somewhere and thank you so much, everyone.